but it’s physically impossible. It’s not just a song or a movie, it’s our song, it’s our movie. It’s a constant reminder that I am still waiting for my phone to ring, for there to be a knock on my door. The days are starting to morph into one, and I cannot get anything done. He’s on my mind all the time, and I know that I would take him back without a second thought. I’m so fucking weak and I hate it. I’m doing what I can not to fall into old habits, but they are more tempting than ever. I just want him back. I just want to clear the air. I don’t want this to be the end, and on such short notice, after so many years. I wish I could speak to him, at least one last time. But, in this moment in time, that’s not an option, and so I was waiting, am waiting, will keep waiting until I hear from him, because I feel like there is more.
Everyone is telling me to be logical, but it is not my head you have to battle. My heart is the one who is deaf and blind. You can try to reason with her all you want, but she cannot see you. She cannot hear you. She cannot understand. But she was given a pair of lungs that she uses to scream out her pessimistic thoughts into the universe where they float on and on. Her thoughts eventually consume my mind, my body, everything that once made me what I am. She is yelling over and over that there is no future for me, that my happiness is always temporary, short-lived, gone in a flash. I sit and wait and wait for it to stay the night after our affair, to stay for breakfast, to not run out the door while I am still sleeping. My happiness knows no manners. And my heart is trying to convince me that it never will, while my head is trying to break down the door, and smother my heart with a pillow, drown it in the bathtub, throw it from a fifty-two story building. But so far it has been unsuccessful, and my heart continues to rock back and forth, back and forth, repeating that there is nothing left for me—and I am starting to believe it.
As much as I hate writing right now, this is the only thing I could do to make me feel better.